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The ‘Pan’ Problem…

In Sexy Nerd., Uncategorized on December 5, 2011 at 3:36 am

I have a problem.

This I know.

Not only am I aware that I have this problem, but most people who know me for more than 10 minutes know that I have this problem.

I’m without a doubt obsessed with Peter Pan. Its been this way since I was a kid. It started off with the Mary Martin version of Pan. I watched the movie until the tape went bad. Then my dad took me to the theatre to see Hook  when it first opened. I was filled with joy and confusion. Joy because the movie was pure magic, and confusion because..well…why the hell did Jack and Maggie get to win the parental lottery? Pan as their father? C’mon! So not fair!!

Of course I knew that my dad was way cooler than Peter Pan…afterall, he was the one who sat me down when I was a kid and pretty much said, “You are my daughter, so you will watch these movies and we will discuss how you feel about them afterwards.”

He was talking about Star Wars…So yeah..my dad is very cool.

I’ve seen Peter Pan performed on stage, and last year, I even had the opportunity to be in the show. Helloooo primary indian dancer/Old Lady Wendy Darling. I was in heaven. If you ever have the chance to be in that show…take it…I swear I’d perform it til the end of time.

Moving on…Disney Peter Pan? Love it. Cathy Rigby is Peter Pan? LOVE IT. Even the darker version of Pan with Jeremy Sumpter (even though he was awful it was still lovely) was amazing. Finding Neverland? Brilliant. Anything PAN related is something I’ll most likely fall in love with. Hell, my ex-boyfriend was a Pan…no joke. I’m that pathetic/AWESOME.

So when I found out that SYFY was putting out a special Neverland mini-series, I was signed on.

Nothing could scare me away from it…not the word “prequel” or even the words “Tinkerbell voiced by Keira Knightly.” I was signed on. So there I sat in the living room on premiere night, watching my show. I was shocked at my openness toward a complete retelling of a story that I held so dear to my heart. I didn’t even care that Peter Pan was arriving at Neverland through an orbit. I didn’t care that Hook and Pan were once good friends. I was excited to see what new take the writers would have on this story. Afterall, the Pan characters are no longer copyright protected by the Great Ormond Children’s Hospital in London. This gives people the freedom to re-imagine the tale of individual characters and I was stoked to see what would happen…especially after the success of “Peter Pan and the Starcatchers”…which by the way is heading to Broadway under Disney Theatrical Productions.

The result was bad…

First off, I can overlook the fact that Tinkerbell has a voice. She’s supposed to be a ball of light with a quirky personality who uses facial expressions/jingle sounds etc. to communicate. But yes, I can still turn a blind-eye to all of that.

What I can’t turn a blind eye to, is Tinkerbell looking like she’s wrapped from head to toe in tin foil. It was like a dropout over at the Arts Institute wanted to seek revenge on a professor and created the damn fairy out of a drunken rage the night before getting suspended from school. It looked awful.

Bob Hoskins as Smee. It was half the reason I was so damn excited to watch the show. I mean, c’mon…he was Smee in Hook. It was a great idea. Upon his first entrance (and granted, I was bored shit-less by this point), there was no sparkle…sorry Hoskins…something was missing.

Charlie Rowe as Peter Pan. (This is my attempt at saying something positive) I approve. He was adorable. You take one look at him and think, “Well duh. He completely looks like Peter Pan. He’s tortured one minute and carefree the next. Great choice. And he holds his own and steals the scene from some of the more established actors. Unfortunately, he’s not enough to save Neverland from the dreadful special effects/CGI/etc…

I didn’t know that Neverland was supposed to look like a science project created out of styrofoam by a 2nd grader. It just looked bad. I felt like I was watching one of those poorly made science tv shows that looks so awful that you initially make fun of it, but then 15 years down the road, you find yourself celebrating it at comicon.

Next…the writing…Peter Pan and all of its characters have stood the test of time because J.M. Barrie’s original text was…lets face it…genius. It was witty, clever, analytical and so far ahead of its time. The characters in the Syfy version of Neverland are not quick-witted or even interesting. They have nothing of interest to say and they don’t stand out. It would seem like a show like this would stand on its own with little effort. Pirates. Indians. Lost Boys. Peter Pan. The truth is, you only cared about these characters because they all have genuine fears/desires/passions. And they all have something important that they need to say. Without any of this, you don’t have anything. And can I just say, worst casting of the Lost Boys ever…can someone pull the kids from “Hook” back out of retirement and bring them back? I swear, Charlie Korsmo (Jack) still looks exactly the same…they could pull it off.

Bottom-line…It was missing the magic. You can have a show about a magical place, but unless you connect with all of the elements that made it magical to begin with, you got nothing…Sorry Syfy…maybe next time…


The dog days are over.

In Sexy Nerd. on April 28, 2011 at 5:30 pm

The dog days are over in the sense that I no longer look like a train wreck.

One morning I looked at myself in the mirror and said, “Guuurl, you’re a hot mess minus the hot.”

I went to the salon the next day and dropped my birthday money and said, “Cut this damn hair so short that I never have to pull it into a ponytail, and make me kinda look like April O’Neil.”

Turtle Power, yo. Turtle Power.

In college I studied Broadcast Journalism. My parents have been pushing for me to be a writer ever since I was a kid, and they discovered I was illustrating and writing my own children’s books. Being a typical kid, I’ve always tried to convince myself and my parents that writing was not my calling, and that you don’t just happen to fall upon something you’re supposed to do for the rest of your life when you’re only a child.

When I got to college, I proved that whole theory wrong. After switching majors at least 3 times and turning down the opportunity to study theatre at Chapman, I wound up studying journalism at Cal State Fullerton. My parents had a good, “We told you so” laugh.

I love it. Not going to lie about that. Writing is the single best way I express myself.

And apparently, I was so fated to be a writer/journalist of some kind, that my doppelgangers continuously fall within the nerdy realm of sick journalistas in the world.

Doppelganger #1:

Margot Kidder as the ball busting/trouble maker Lois Lane:

Journalist #2

April O’ Neil

So there ya go…I chopped my hair and still managed to look like a journalist from the nerd world. And I’m completely ok with that.

P.S…”The Dog Days Are Over” has been stuck in my head for a solid week and a half.

Every time I hear it on the radio, I still act like this little kid…

Proof of nerds kicking butt.

In Sexy Nerd. on April 8, 2011 at 7:47 am

I met Jenny Rae back when we both worked for Radio Disney.

We both make obnoxious facial expressions.

We’re both ridiculous.

And our tendons stick out when we laugh.

She’s frickin’ rad. And to top it off, she now owns her own business.

Miss J-Rae is the owner of Lil Rae Cakes. I had my 1st Lil Rae Cake the other day…and lemme tell ya…I could curl up in bed with my netflix and a plate of these things and be good to go for the rest of my life. They’re basically cake and frosting mixed together and dipped in candy coating. These pieces of awesomeness are so popular, that she continues to sell out at Sweet Harts (Owned by Melissa Joan Hart). On top of owning her own company, she practically single-handedly brought back the “jumping photo.” You can check out her Lil Rae Cakes menu, photography and AWESOME artwork at http://www.jenny-rae.com.

And of course, we’re friends because we have a mutual appreciation for Star Wars as well as being absolutely ridiculous.

So here’s a shout-out to the nerd that I am SO PROUD to know. Congratulations on all of your success as you approach your 1 year anniversary of starting up Lil Rae Cakes. To learn more about J-Rae and her awesome cakes, as well as to learn more about upcoming events, be sure to become a fan at: http://www.facebook.com/LilRaeCakes

Adventures in Real Estate and the ways in which I suck at it.

In Sexy Nerd. on March 29, 2011 at 6:25 am

I’ve been waiting for today for awhile.

The day when I could honestly say that I felt like I was financially set to move, and had the right jobs lined up. So I woke up, and drove my ass out to the Valley to go apartment hunting before my shift at Conan later in the evening.

I had to do the buddy system while apt. hunting. Shout out goes to Trish. I’ve been told that I pick out apartments like its a T-shirt at Target. I do it quickly and I don’t try it on…and I’ll go with the first one I see…

So with that said, I took a second opinion with me today.

After calling numerous complexes and realized that most of them lied about the actual cost of the rent/deposit on craigslist, we narrowed it down to two places to actually check out.

On our way to spot #1, I decided to blast the batman theme in my car…and pretend that Short Round was the batmobile…and I don’t know if anyone actually does this but I love it…I choreograph my speed of the car to the music…if it sounds like a part where my car would gun it…my car guns it.

So there we were. Listening to the Batman theme song, and we were getting ready to coast by apartment #1, when the “speed up to awesomeness” part of the music kicked in…so I sped up…and drove past the damn place and wasted my $4/gallon tank trying to turn around behind an old fart at an intersection.

So we finally made it.

To the first studio.

In a 15 unit complex. The studio was built in the 40’s, and when we went in, our jaws dropped to the floor. It was the quirkiest and most inventive place I’ve ever seen. First off, it was tiny. Even for a studio.

But after seeing the place, we realized we couldn’t find a closet anywhere….

until we looked at the wooden wall in the living room with wooden picture frames permanently attached to it…..

The “wall” actually opens up into a fucking closet.

No joke.

I almost peed with giddiness.

It was like the scene outta “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” where the bed folds out of the office wall, and as a kid, you think its the coolest thing you’ve ever seen in your life.

To make it even better, here’s what the bathroom looked like:

I mean, c’mon. The bathroom is a show piece. It is hysterical. I would invite people over just for a good chuckle. P.S, I considered actually using this restroom this morning (I had downed a coffee and water upon entering)…thank god I didn’t…the land lady literally walked in 10 seconds after I said I had to pee.

I went through the studio checking every light switch to see what works and what is a hot mess. ….and that’s when I came across the stove…

Check out the knobs on that thing. I wasn’t even concerned with whether or not it actually worked…I just thought, “no one has a stove like this. I have to have it.” Once again…hilarious.

Saved the best for last…the kitchen was complete with a breakfast bar….however…it came equipped with a wooden roof.

Yes.

A.

frickin.

roof.

I couldn’t get over it. A bar with its own roof. Add some rainbow lights, loud/trendy music, obnoxious cologne, generic t-shirts, and a couple anorexic spray-tanned 15-year olds and ya got yourself a Hollister.

I seriously wanted the studio just for the bar. I mean, what else do you need?

Did I fill out an application?

No.

The deal-breaker was the fact that you don’t get a parking spot…and the only street parking had heavy parking restrictions due to the neighboring school…not to mention the street is crazy busy and I don’t wanna jay walk every morning and wake up at the ass crack of dawn to move Short Round.

Drove past a couple other complexes in shady areas, and the rest of the day felt like an episode of America’s Next Top Model.…You know…the go-see episodes where the models are sent out into the city to meet with various agents…and they never plan their day well, and they spend most of the day in the car getting lost/frustrated…

ya. That was me.

So what did I do to fix this?

Got lost and drove by Mulholland Drive, and thought…

meh..what the heck..

Drove up blasting Superman and stopped to take the following cheesy/tourist/cliche image:

I guess the day was kind of successful. I now know that I can’t live without a breakfast bar with its own roof…and I wouldn’t have known that had I not gone hunting today.

I’m. Screwed.

it’s. not. fair.

In Sexy Nerd. on March 28, 2011 at 5:01 am

I own two kitties.

And I face endless scrutiny by society for this.

Hearing chants of cat lady in my ear.

Most of the harassment comes from myself. Because I know that its ridiculous to be 26 and single with 2 cats. I’ve decided to embrace it. Being a cat lady is about to get sexy. I hope you all can handle it. It’s not gonna be like, “Oh watch out…there’s crazy cat lady jenko…”

Instead, it’s gonna be…”watch out. It’s crazy cat lady jenko…and she looks hot.”

I’m gonna have to channel Katy Perry on this one. Apparently its Katy’s new goal in life to make the cat lady “cool” again.

Were we ever cool though? I mean, really?

And here’s the deal…

It’s just not fair.

Katy Perry, is…well.

Katy Perry.

She can say that that being a cat lady is sexy, and you’ll believe it.

Meaning, you’ll believe that she is a sexy cat lady. Her cats have cutesy names like Krusty and Kitty Purry or some shit like that.

My cats are 2 awesome strays I adopted, and they’ve been crowned with the names, Eva Donut and Crunch-bite Caboose…however his name consistently grows and its more like “Sir Captain Crunch-bite Caboose” at this point.

I’m grateful for miss perry. Cats are the shit. Maybe she will make it sexy once again. And if not, I guess it all rests in my hands. I will find a way.


I choose not to grow up.

In Sexy Nerd. on March 20, 2011 at 10:27 pm

I think every person has seen that one movie that has changed them.

It’s the movie that made you decide that you wanted to go to film school. It’s the movie that made you realize that you should be doing something different with your life. It’s the movie that helped you to see life in a different way.

The movie that I genuinely remember having an impact on me…was Hook.

I went to see the movie in theaters with my Dad. I remember being awe-struck. Completely at a loss for words. I remember leaving the theater and being upset that Jack and Maggie had somehow won the parental lottery. I mean, c’mon…they had Peter Pan as a father.

I have since forgiven my father for not being Pan the Man. However, my dad’s name is Peter…and to make it more weird…my mom’s name is Wendy.

I shit you not.

My parent’s names are Peter and Wendy.

My childhood was filled with relatives calling me Tinkerbell

Which technically makes no sense because Peter and Wendy didn’t give birth to a fairy…I mean c’mon…read the books people.

But still…my parent’s names are Peter and Wendy.

And I’m obsessed with Hook.

It was the first soundtrack that I ever fell in love with. It was the first movie that made me realize that I’m in love with the music of John Williams…even though I technically already knew his music from other movies. I can quote the movie from beginning to end. I can’t actually tell you how many times I’ve seen it. I burned through the DVD…now I’m stuck watching it on instant Netflix. As an adult, its the movie that makes me feel like a kid. The movie that makes me feel like anything is possible. The movie that makes me believe that you can make a shit ton of mistakes, and still somehow…make it through to something better in your life.

When I was 15, I went to the Whiskey A Go Go for the first time. Don’t ask why a 15-year old was at a club…I was just that awesome. I went to go see the band, “Brown Fly Dragons.” The lead vocalist was Dion Basco, and my cousin was friends with him because she worked on a tv show with him…so bottom line…his brother, Dante is there to show him moral support….

Dante…Rufio. He was wearing an all-white suit. He looked like such a bad-ass. And the 15-year old version of myself marched straight up to him and gave him a hug. He looked at me with the oddest expression on his face, and I just said, “I love you. That’s all I wanted to say.” And I walked off.

26-year old me isn’t quite as bold, however I have developed a Peter Pan Complex. I try not to grow up. I try to remember to see the joy in life daily, and not worry about the crap that’ll get me down.  Here’s a toast to one of the best frickin’ movies that I’ve been watching since I was 6 years old….I salute you with the Hook Remix, created by the sweet musical stylings of Pogo. This guy rocks.

Catwoman is sexy…Catlady is not.

In Sexy Nerd. on March 10, 2011 at 9:24 pm

I spent the morning watching Batman. You know…the 1966 AWESOME version with Adam West and Burt Ward. Best part is when Batman emerges from the ocean with a plastic shark hanging off his leg. It is GENIUS. Moving on…

So watching the movie, I started to feel a little nostalgic. I was obsessed with the wam/pow/kablowee version of Batman as a kid. Watched every episode…saw the movie a billion times…and I believed that I was Catwoman.

As a kid, recess time meant I was Catwoman, and I wasn’t hanging out on the 4-square turf…I was hanging out in the batcave…more like trapped in the batcave. Trapped with my hands tied above my head. I honestly don’t remember if my classmates had in fact found rope, or if this was all in my imagination…I do remember having a profound crush on Robin…the Burt Ward version…

And I do remember that Batman was never a part of this whole “the playground is the batcave” ritual. In fact, the only villain (other than myself) present, was the riddler. My memory cannot provide the correct facts at the moment. Either the Riddler was the one tying me up in the cave (as ordered by catwoman of course), or…Riddler was doing the saving…

Cut to present day: I guess The Riddler can symbolize every guy I date…I still don’t have men figured out..and I’m completely ok with that.

As for me..I’m no longer Catwoman..I’m Catlady…I own two lil retards named after Red vs. Blue characters..and they’re awesome. Its not as sexy as being Catwoman…but meh…life happens.

Lightsabers in the parlor…

In Sexy Nerd. on February 23, 2011 at 8:58 pm

My life at present: I am still in my pajamas…and the time is 12:27.

Unacceptable. What is even more unacceptable is the t-shirt that I chose to wear to bed. I bought it at Old Navy last year, because it ended up in the sales bin. It’s a hot pink t-shirt that reads, “The Boys Love Me.”

A tad obnoxious, I will admit. But last year, I dug it…mostly because it was only $3 but that’s beside the point.

At present, it is 12:28 and I’m still wearing this ridiculous shirt, and I realize that this shirt might be lying. I mean, sure…the boys love me. I’m goofy Erika. I love talking about farting. Most people who know me have never seen me with my hair down, so even though it’s kind of juvenile…I’m kind of a tomboy. I have a lightsaber on a display stand in my room. I own every Lord of the Rings soundtrack. I don’t spend more than 5 minutes on my makeup because after 5 minutes, I’m completely bored. I look at a trip to the nail salon as a modern form of medieval torture. I would rather clean a cat box…which brings me to my cats. I have two of them…both named after halo characters from red vs. blue. So, yes…the “boys love me.” I’m not high maintenance…and I have a ridiculous appreciation for ridiculous things.

So, the boys love me….kind of like Elizabeth Bennet in “Pride and Prejudice.” The idea of “Elizabeth” is a good idea to some…but no one is jumping to dance with her. She doesn’t have the blatant sex appeal of her sister Jane, who gets asked to dance not once…but twice a night (what a slut). Elizabeth is seen sitting in a corner not getting asked to dance by mister hot Darcy at the parties. She apparently has a complex about her nose, which she doesn’t even realize until it is pointed out to her. I’m totally Elizabeth!

And yes, I’m reading “Pride and Prejudice” for the first time….so bear with this for a moment.

One of the quotes in the beginning of the book caught my eye…

“You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. They are my old friends. I have heard you mention them with consideration these twenty years at least.”

The perfect example of recognizing someone’s flaws, and explaining them in a way that is poetic. To be honest, I have issues with people trying to psychoanalyze me. It happens all the time. People want to be the archeologist in my life and try to dig up the dirt. Here’s what I would appreciate. Take my flaws, and talk about them in a witty fashion, rather than trying to understand where they came from. I would appreciate it more if you said, “Erika, your lack of social decency should earn you a gold star. It’s like you’re celebrating freedom of speech on a daily basis!” Instead of trying to figure out why I have verbal diarrhea all the time, and will randomly start talking about sex and bowel movements. Sometimes, I wish that life was a scene from “Pride and Prejudice.” If you don’t luck out in one parlor or find yourself sitting in a corner questioning yourself, there’s always another parlor. There’s always another major event with guys who will refer to your flaws in a way that will put your bloomers in a dance. For now, I’m toting around that damn light saber, and I’m gonna enjoy my flaws. Because they’re me. Although…I could still probably lose this ridiculous shirt…