Archive for August, 2012|Monthly archive page

insert heart on sleeve.

In Uncategorized on August 25, 2012 at 4:19 am


I wish I could say that I was a mysterious being. That I am complex. That it takes a lot to figure me out. I’m not a riddle, but if I were, I’m solvable. Today, I had the misfortune of learning that apparently….I’m human. Not only am I human, but I wear my heart on my sleeve…in a way that is so obvious and vulnerable that I should probably not leave the house if this happens again.

To be honest, this blog doesn’t have a point. If you are looking for a point, please logon to cnn.com. This is just a girl venting about the fact that she’s human. I used to be a robot. I liked it that way. I was untouchable. I never had really bad days. If I had a bad day, it was something that a shot of rum or a good movie could fix. There was always a Plan B. There was always something else to preoccupy my mind. Life was like this not because my life isn’t a shit-storm…I just chose to see my life as beautiful. If life threw me a curveball I couldn’t handle (flash-back to February when I was so broke I decided to up and move to Idaho), I turned it into an adventure. I decided to move to Idaho the night before I actually moved. Who does that? I mean, besides a person running from the government. No one. No one.  People don’t just drop their life and leave. (Points to self). This girl does, though. I wrote a play claiming how independent I am. I moved and thought I was capable of not having attachments to things. I told myself that I was capable of all of these things. Here’s what Idaho taught me….I’m not a robot. I’m capable of having feelings and I’m capable of letting my walls down and I’m capable of letting people into my life. I’ve let people in before, but I feel like there’s a part of my life that I’m finally living…and I’m only finally living it because I’ve been too scared to live it before.

I used to be obsessed with The Wizard of Oz. I loved the music. And of course, I wanted blingy shoes. I wanted to be Glinda when I grew up…but mostly, I thought Dorothy was the luckiest girl to wake up from a dream and have three handsome men surrounding her bed. I mean, c’mon. The tin man was hot. And I don’t mean the actor..I mean the full on tin man getup. And when he cries at the end??? Jesus. Cupid might as well butcher my heart with an arrow. It’s adorable. I always loved the Tin Man. And yes, I can be all symbolic on you and say that I always connected with him more, and that’s not the case. He was just hotter. But to stay on topic, let’s say that I did connect with him more. Let’s say that we both wear too much eye makeup, and that I have a hard time letting people in, and that sometimes I need to go on an adventure and visit the Wizard in order to seek out my heart. I had my heart all along. It’s been on reserves at the Emerald City, and I finally claimed it back. It’s been a rough couple of days. Not because of anything significant or tragic happening in my life. Just stuff that has challenged me to take a good look at myself and who I am…what I’ve discovered, is I am the Tin Man. And I found my heart. And that’s a good thing. Today at work, someone told me I looked upset and if I was OK. My normal response would be to say that I was just tired and make a lame-ass joke and try to change the subject. A part of me smiled on the inside. I found my heart. I’m feeling something. All I did in response was say, “It’s a rough day, but everything will be alright and so will I.” And it felt good to say that. It felt good to feel something. To remind myself that I’m capable of feeling this way.

Life is a beautiful yellow brick road. It’s never perfect. You never know who you might meet. Sometimes the road is windy and sometimes you’ll go places you never thought you’d go. Keep your heart open. Let people in. If a house falls on you, so what. Pick yourself up, dust off those bad-ass shoes and skip along. Life is beautiful and being human is beautiful. I can apologize for being an asshole sometimes. I can apologize when I’ve been wrong. What I won’t apologize for, is the fact that I am human. Sometimes I’ll be ridiculous and my heart will make me say something obnoxious. But I am human. I’m the source material that romantic comedies are made out of. Love others, but at the end of the day…remember to love yourself and all the imperfections that make you you. 

I’m in a cheesy mood….here’s some defying gravity. I still can’t listen to this song without belting out Elphaba’s part and choreographing my own arm-ography. Of course it would help if I actually had a broom in my hand, but what can you do.