Starbucks: My personal hell.

In Rants on July 31, 2011 at 11:05 pm

Going to Starbucks is my personal nightmare that I choose to relive again and again.

First off, I only go for the wifi.

If I need to make a coffee pit stop that does NOT include wifi usuage, I usually go someplace that is also known for their food…

Like Western Bagel in Burbank. It is the most seemingly disorganized place I’ve ever been to. You walk up to a crowded counter. They don’t believe in lines. But somehow, magically, in under 2 minutes, I’ll walk away with a toasted everything bagel and an xtra large hazelnut coffee….all for under 4 bucks. Take that starbucks.

You might be wondering…Erika, if you need wifi so badly, why don’t you go to Coffee Bean instead? Because I went to coffee bean once for wifi and I couldn’t figure out the internet password, and that one experience alone has ruined me for ever trying this again.

So back to Starbucks…I go for the wifi.

There’s first the choice of which cheap drink will I buy, since I’m only there to use my computer….

Is it classy to order water at starbucks as well to buy you more time at a table?

I hate being one of those people who sit around at a table for hours with random people inside of Starbucks talking about my dreams. It makes me uncomfortable. That kind of conversation is best suited for a bar after 3 martinis. If you’re discussing your dreams in a Starbucks in the middle of the day rather than pursuing them…I’m sorry…but you’re taking the elongated route.

There are 3 types of people that sit in Starbucks:

1)    People using wifi

2)    People who bought food at Panda Express and need comfy chairs to rest in while they pass out in a food coma

3)    The people I mentioned earlier who make me uncomfortable by talking about their dreams in the middle of the day.

Here’s the problem:

People types 1 and 3 are all using wifi. People type #1 is clearly there specifically for wifi. ….so that’s about 50% of the outlet population in Starbucks that is taken. 30% of the outlet population is being utilized by People type #3. People who are talking about their dreams inside of Starbucks in the middle of the day are usually backing up their points of conversation with visual aids…typically in the form of google images. So if you’re doing the math, 80% of the outlet population is in use before I even walk in the door.

As soon as I walk into Starbucks, before I even order my drink, I go into focus mode. Half of my brain is trying to scour the place to find an outlet. It can’t be one by a couch, because I’ll get too comfortable and overstay my welcome. It also can’t be one at a regular sized table. If I sit alone at a regular sized table, I will piss off People type #3. As much as they annoy me, they still need a place to sit. So I’ll be generous. I usually scour the place for an outlet by a tall skinny table that is usually only attached to one stool. I will be uncomfortable in the chair and therefore not stay longer than I intend. Perfect choice. At this very moment that I’m looking for an outlet, the other 50% of my brain is deciding what to order. If I order a plain coffee, theres little chance of them messing up my order. If I order green tea to be perceived as being healthy by my peers, theres a 75% chance that my order will come out wrong…

a)     because I’ll place my own order incorrectly, because in my head, I’ll be thinking that I want a venti-iced-non-sweetened-green tea…but instead I’ll SAY that I want a venti-blended hot green tea.

b)    And then when they hand me the wrong beverage, I’ll be pissy for the first 15 minutes of my stay at Starbucks, rather then focusing on plugging in my computer.

Theres a secret code of respect in Starbucks. It is each person’s responsibility to share an outlet. It is considered even chivalrous to offer to plug in a complete stranger’s laptop for them. True. Story. Next time you head to Starbucks in search of an outlet, your best bet is to sit next to an older gentleman…they’re always willing to share.


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