Apparently I’m dating.

In Rants on April 12, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Apparently I’m dating.

And I didn’t even frickin’ realize it.

I’m in an unhealthy relationship with almost every property manager in the Los Angeles area. When I try to tell him my needs,

“Sorry, I can’t afford more than $850.”


“Will you love me even though I have two cats?”


I’m met with the same response every time. A laugh. A “hell no” kinda laugh.

I’ve even lowered my standards for the type of man I’m looking for. I started off by searching for a man with hardwood floors, an assigned parking space, a tolerance for cats, and within 5 miles of work.

Now, I’ve lowered my standards.

I feel like a cheap dirty whore.

When a guy tells me, “I only have street parking,”…its like I’m so desperate I’d take him home with me after only 1 beer. I’m willing to give up assigned parking for a relationship that will only last 6-12 months. It’s ridiculous.

I’m ready to give up hardwood floors for a stained mess of a carpet.

My life is in boxes. I literally have baggage. I’m shopping for a new man who can accommodate the baggage that is my life…and I’m not finding him. And that’s ok. Maybe I have to flirt with a couple application fees before I find my damn prince. And that’s ok. I need a guy who will tolerate my cats. A guy who maybe doesn’t have assigned parking, but damn it…he has a nice safe street I can park my jeep on. A guy who will make me feel safe, so that when I come home at 2 in the morning, I don’t have to fear for my life.

Dear Los Angeles Prince,

Where the fuck are you.

I would love to curl up with you and unpack my baggage.

Let’s have a lease together.


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