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Archive for April, 2011|Monthly archive page

Blog Battle #2: Victim of a Strong Personality

In BLOG BATTLE on April 30, 2011 at 11:15 pm

It’s time for BLOG BATTLE #2: JRAE VS. JENKO.

Topic: What is it like to be the victim of a strong personality?

I’m loud.

I snort when I laugh.

I don’t have a social censor.

I constantly have diarrhea of the brain. I say whatever happens to be on my mind.

If you were to become acquainted with the child version of myself, I could guarantee you would not recognize me. I was terrified of people as a child. I never talked to anyone. ‘Shy’ doesn’t even to begin to describe what I was going through.

When in public with my mom, people would always say ‘hello’ to me or try to talk to me….and I would completely shut down. My mom tried to explain to me that if I continued this behavior into adulthood, people would think that I was being mean….when honestly, I was scared shitless. 

Being a total cliche, theatre and band were the two things that snapped me out of it.

My grandma took me to see plays and musicals religiously from the time I was 3…I wanted to be up on that stage from the time I was a kid…but being so intensely shy, I was terrified to audition. I finally got the courage to audition for my first musical my sophomore year of high school. From there on out, I was in love. I did every play and every musical…not taking a break from it all until my 3rd year of college. Performing pulled me out of my shell. I felt like I was allowed to be kooky. I was allowed to be silly.

I was allowed to be me.


Fast-forward a few years later…and I’m 26 and waaay too comfortable in my own skin. I’m still loud. I’m still obnoxious. There are some pitfalls to being ridiculously awesome.

Most of the time people think I’m drunk. I’m a little too ‘free.’ People who don’t know me think that I’m intoxicated 24/7.

My life is an open book…which sounds comforting…until I open the book a little too wide…it tends to make people uncomfortable.

Also, I’m the girl who guys fall in love with a little too quickly. They’re drawn in by my adorable snort laugh and my love of lightsabers. Then…they take a step back and realize what they’re in for, and they run the other direction.

Which is fine…but it is one of the pitfalls of having a strong personality.

I have 2 cats…does this mean I’m destined to be alone? Probably not. I’m not complaining about being single. I do ‘single’ way better than ‘relationship.’…plus…there are some definite perks to having a strong personality.

For one, I’m a biiig dreamer….and I go for it. I’m the one who says that I’d like to write a play, then I’ll turn around and do it…or I’m the girl who never worked backstaged in her life, and said, ‘Hey, I can handle being an ASM.” I honestly believe sky’s the limit, and I hate it when people try to tell me otherwise. Most of the time, I admit I’m completely unrealistic with the things I want or the things I can achieve…but damn…there’s a way…I know there is.

To all the nerds, big dreamers or awkward teens who are still coming into your own, you are lovely…and I promise you, you’re going to be alright.

To read my opponents Battle Blog, please visit her at: http://lilraecakes.tumblr.com/post/5078186192/blogbattleround2

Blog Battle #1: Customized Boyfriend.

In BLOG BATTLE on April 30, 2011 at 4:54 am

So…how did the Blog Battle begin? Simple, really. I’ve been trying to blog everyday, and one day (today), I ran out of topics. Miss JRae used to work with me at Radio Disney, and she’s also been working on a super sick blog…so I wrote to her today saying, “Help! I’m out of topics and not feeling too creative.”…

And then came the birth of the awesome Blog Battle baby.

Topic #1: If you could customize your boyfriend online and have him shipped to you in 48 hours, what would he be like?

To read my response, its simple really…keep reading, and you’ll find it in this post…to read JRae’s post, simply visit her blog at: http://lilraecakes.tumblr.com/post/5062122933/blogbattleround1

I have a feeling that somewhere in the universe, there is an English teacher beaming at the fact that on a friday night, two awesome chicks such as ourselves are sitting at home battling it out in a literary sense, rather than downing shots at the local dive.

Anyway, I’m off topic.

My customized boyfriend….would look a little something like this…

First off, my customized boyfriend will be arriving in 48 hours…not in 4 years when my maternal clock is ticking so frickin’ fast that tiny babies everywhere will have to run before I try to adopt them all….

So with this said, the guy I would order online wouldn’t necessarily have to have his shit together…yet.

It just needs to be someone who could temporarily make me happy. I’m looking for a normal guy. Go ahead and laugh..I’m doing just the same. I’ve never wanted a normal guy. Normal guys are dull. They always say what’s “safe.”

I guess when I say “normal,” I mean I’d like someone whose normal relative to what I consider normal…

For example…if you consider “normal” to be staying up til the wee hours of the morning eating animal fries and watching a god-awful horror flick and loving it…to me…YOU are normal. 

Looks wise, I’m kind of picky…if you’re waaaay too handsome, I’m not going to order you. If you’re blonde, I most likely won’t order you. My order either needs to be tall dark and handsome, or a completely nerdy looking guy…if glasses come as an accessory, I’m ok with that.

For my online purchase, I refuse to order the guy who say, “Don’t worry, I’m a nice guy” every time you pull the string coming out of their back.

In my experience, guys who admit to being a nice guy are the polar opposite…they’re usually a steamy pile of douche.

I might order the guy whose warning label reads, “You will make some of the worst mistakes with me, but I guarantee I will give you a fantastic story or two to tell your girlfriends.”

Let’s face it…those ones are worth the time.

I won’t  however waste my time if your warning label reads, “Pretentious, rude, unkind, cheater, I will never fully accept who you are and I will always try to change you.” Any of the above is not worth my time.

Last but not least, I’m extremely laid-back. Practically to a fault. The online boyfriend that I would order would have to be the same. I need someone who can handle my sarcasm and throw it back at me. Someone who appreciates my flaws more than my strengths. Someone who doesn’t think to point out the things that are wrong with me, because those are the things that drew him to me to begin with.

Also, I would leave as a side-note on my order that I’m a SUCKER for daisies and daffodils. Roses are ok, but hot damn…the “happy flower family” gets me every time.

I would also note that I’m NOT a sucker for anything too cheesy. It’s not my style. To me, romance is remembering to add a shot of espresso to my coffee, not taking me out to an expensive restaurant.

And this concludes the end of BLOG BATTLE #1: JRAE VS. JENKO.

Topic #2 will post tomorrow…check back for upcoming battles..

G’night moon. G’night stars. 

The dog days are over.

In Sexy Nerd. on April 28, 2011 at 5:30 pm

The dog days are over in the sense that I no longer look like a train wreck.

One morning I looked at myself in the mirror and said, “Guuurl, you’re a hot mess minus the hot.”

I went to the salon the next day and dropped my birthday money and said, “Cut this damn hair so short that I never have to pull it into a ponytail, and make me kinda look like April O’Neil.”

Turtle Power, yo. Turtle Power.

In college I studied Broadcast Journalism. My parents have been pushing for me to be a writer ever since I was a kid, and they discovered I was illustrating and writing my own children’s books. Being a typical kid, I’ve always tried to convince myself and my parents that writing was not my calling, and that you don’t just happen to fall upon something you’re supposed to do for the rest of your life when you’re only a child.

When I got to college, I proved that whole theory wrong. After switching majors at least 3 times and turning down the opportunity to study theatre at Chapman, I wound up studying journalism at Cal State Fullerton. My parents had a good, “We told you so” laugh.

I love it. Not going to lie about that. Writing is the single best way I express myself.

And apparently, I was so fated to be a writer/journalist of some kind, that my doppelgangers continuously fall within the nerdy realm of sick journalistas in the world.

Doppelganger #1:

Margot Kidder as the ball busting/trouble maker Lois Lane:

Journalist #2

April O’ Neil

So there ya go…I chopped my hair and still managed to look like a journalist from the nerd world. And I’m completely ok with that.

P.S…”The Dog Days Are Over” has been stuck in my head for a solid week and a half.

Every time I hear it on the radio, I still act like this little kid…

No, I would not trade places with Kate.

In Rants on April 28, 2011 at 4:25 am

I had the good fortune of having not 1, but TWO days off in a row. I spent half of Day off numero uno running errands, and the 2nd half zoning out in front of BBC America watching “The wedding countdown/history of/future of/something or other wedding glory bonanza that is Prince William and Miss Kate.

Its the same story you hear about in the movies.

The normal girl who is also abnormally fabulous and fashionable and let me emphasize NORMAL…somehow swoops in and lands the world’s most eligible bachelor.

Girls are raised being called a princess. We are raised to be looking for a man who will treat us like a princess…so it would seem as if lil miss Kate has won the fucking jackpot.

She will be called a princess by occupation, and she has found a man who by birth will also treat her like a princess…

So here’s the question…would I trade places with Kate?

The answer is…hell no.

While I zoned out during the wedding documentary of “The World’s cutest/luckiest couple,” a couple disturbing phrases continued to resurface.

The reporters kept describing Kate and why she was such a good match for William…however…the typical things you would want to hear about yourself like, “They’re chemistry is undeniable”…or….”She’s simply ape-shit over the man”, were phrases that were never uttered.

Kate was repeatedly described as the following:

Well-mannered. Well-behaved. Poised. Well-spoken. A perfect match for royalty. A perfect match for the public eye.

Here’s the thing…I don’t know Kate. Maybe deep-down, she’s silly, quirky and loves to have farting contests…but it doesn’t matter who she really is…because the real person she is has to be watered down for the general public.

So…no.

I would not trade places with Kate.

I like the fact that I’m allowed to snort when I laugh. I like wearing shirts that say things like, “Hold Hands Not Grudges.” I like being the retard at your local bar. I like biting my nails. I like purposely not using hand sanitizer, because I believe cooties to be thrilling. I like laughing loud. Being loud. Being inappropriate. Saying things you shouldn’t say just because its fun to say them. I like eating food that’s bad for you. I like jay-walking. I like looking like an idiot some of the time. All the time.

Plus, I wouldn’t trade places with Kate…because I’m holding out for Harry. He’s way more my type.

I guess the moral of this fairy tale story, is be you. A princess ain’t the chick sitting on a throne somewhere. The princess is the one dancing down the street because life is good and she doesn’t give a shit what people think. 

If you give a mouse a cookie: The theory.

In Uncategorized on April 26, 2011 at 5:17 am

If you give a mouse a cookie…its gonna want some milk. You all know the story. You know it because you live it.

Every. single. day.

I feel like the damn mouse so much lately. I wanted a 2nd job so that I’d be busier and get my bills paid without having to navigate the strategic world of bill collectors. Got the 2nd job, then I wanted the apartment in L.A. so that I could live closer to everything. After I get the apartment, I can assure you I’ll want to upgrade from a studio to a 1-bedroom. After I do that, I’ll want a man in my life, because I will be too lazy to clean the damn apartment, and I’ll need someone around to help me out. After I have the dude in my life, I’ll want him to buy me a vacation to Europe, or least keep me company while I watch cheesy horror flicks at random times throughout the night. Then, I’ll want to genetically engineer my kids or at least take a butt-load of Invitro so that I can pop out twins. Then, I’ll wanna name them ridiculous things like Pepper and Nutmeg just for my own entertainment.

Are we ever truly satisfied?

We spend the majority of our time working our asses off to better ourselves and to get ready for that next big thing.

Question…

What is that next big thing supposed to be?

There are things I’m doing now that would’ve impressed the hell outta 22-year old me…

But what is 26-year old me doing?

26-year old me is scheming. 26-year old me is racing against the clock to make things better rather than enjoying the place I’ve gotten myself to…

Do we ever sit back and breathe?

Or maybe we only achieve anything because we’re constantly pushing for that next big thing.

I always feel like I’m the mouse.

I’m always looking for the ‘what’s next.’

I guess I’m afraid that I’m going to wake up one day, and regret that I didn’t stop and breathe…and enjoyed the things that I had when I had them.

Fuck.

Did I just get too depressing?  I’m making myself uncomfortable. Damn. I’m going to watch an episode or 2 or 3 of Cheers.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars. Hellooo bed. You are looking more sexy to me right now then a cocktail balancing on the naked chest of a cabana boy in South Africa. 

My new super power: Eating like its going outta style

In Rants on April 21, 2011 at 6:12 am

Eat.

work.

redbull.

Remember to wear a bra.

apartment hunt.

work.

Crap, did I brush my teeth?

My life looks like this. Everything I own is in boxes, and today I was so over apartment hunting, that I was ready to sign the lease for a dumpy apartment I went to see this morning….half the cars in the parking lot were smashed/banged up…When I asked the property manager when the last tenant moved out and he replied, “A while ago” (yet there was still dirt/scum/spots everywhere and things that needed to be repainted)…I STILL was ready to fill out an application.

I think I have a new super power: Stress Eating.

I’m a huge fan of food.

But I’ve never been a stress eater…quite the opposite actually. Usually when I’m stressed, I completely forget to eat. I’ll go an entire day on one meal, and my body literally forgets to tell me its hungry…OR my brain is so completely on overload that if my body tries to say, “Please, sir…can you spare a sandwich?”

My body full blown bitch slaps itself and screams, “No. Your owner is preoccupied today. Get over yourself.”

I think today was the first day of this new super power…stress eating. And I only call it a super power, because I took it a little too far…

Tonight, my dinner consisted of:

1 McDouble

2 McDonald’s pies

1 bowl o’ pasta

1 plate of asparagus

chips and guac

1/2 box wheat thins

I’m not embarrassed. Or even concerned. I’m just trying to figure out how the hell it happened. It felt like a feat of strength. I could’ve seriously kept going. If my stomach was begging me to stop, then I didn’t even hear it weep.

On a more positive note, I’ve rediscovered my love of the Magic Castle. Shout-out goes to Cat for letting me tag-along. That place can seriously take a shitty day, and put a fat band-aid on it. I adore that place. I adore the fact that there is a place where I can get dressed up, and hold a dirty martini in my hand, and actually feel like a grownup. A place where magic tricks is the thing turning people on…rather than bump n’ grinding nonsense and pickup lines that fall flat. The castle feels like one of those places where you can get pulled into a back room, and see unspeakable things…then you end up signing a contract that you won’t share what you saw with the rest of the world. It feels like a secret society. Kinda like Hostel 2, minus the killing part.

On a nerd note, I finally saw Hook on the big-screen for the 1st time in my adult-life…I think I was 5 last time I saw it in theaters. Such a fun night! I went as slutty Jack.

Don’t judge. Spent the night crowing at the screen, screaming that tink was a homewrecker and spatting out lines along with the audience. It was insanely awesome. To top it off, I got a hug from Rufio. Btw, he gave a hysterical Q n’ A before the show. For info on more nerdy screenings at midnight, visit: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Nerds-Like-Us/121943994494325. They’re gonna be screening Animal House next. Alright kids, I need a nap.

Any excuse to dress up.

In Adventures with Jenko on April 15, 2011 at 7:11 am

I will take any excuse I can to dress up.

I don’t mean the, “Oh darling, look at your fabulous cocktail dress” kinda dress-up.

I mean…dressing up like a ho-fo-sho…

Most of what happened on this evening is still talked about 5 years later...the video footage is somewhere...

Going completely wild. Letting your hair down. Being someone else for one frickin’ night. Costume parties are my main thrill in life. In fact, I think the main reason I ever wanted to act, was to play dress-up all the time. Here’s the archival database of all the things I’ve been willing to wear…

"Anything Goes"...circa high school. I was a ham.

Jade. The school nerd. My ONLY film credit. Go imdb "Attack at Zombie High"...the only dancing zombie musical. AWESOME.

Twilight.

White Trash Bash.

it.was.legendary.

Sorority Girl on Glory Daze.

Beer Pong Olympics. Team Scotland.

the monkey and the bush.

The belly dancer parade unit...to promote the "indy fans" documentary

The moon and i.

In Rants on April 14, 2011 at 3:53 am

I was recently watching a movie with my mom…and the main character admitted that when she was a kid, she believed that the moon followed her everywhere.

My mom burst out laughing.

I didn’t think it was funny. I thought it was sweet…then my mom looked at me and said, “You used to believe the same damn thing. It was hilarious.”

As soon as she said it, it struck a memory with me.

I honestly believed the moon followed me.

I must’ve been a pretty self-absorbed kid…to think that a busy moon had all the time in the world to follow my sorry ass around throughout the night. But I know that I’m not the only child who thought this…

The older we get, the less we believe that the moon follows us. We know that its just our eyes playing tricks on us.

We don’t trust that it’ll be there. We figure the moon is too damn busy and has too many other prior engagements to make sure that we’re ok once in awhile. We lose faith that people worry about us. We lose faith that people care about us. And as we start to lose faith in all of these things, we start to quickly lose faith in ourselves. It gets easier to question your dreams. It gets easier to get caught up in the day to day nonsense…and one day…you find yourself stopping yourself in your tracks, and asking yourself one simple question…

What the fuck am I doing, and how did I get here?

You’re allowed this moment. You’re allowed to question yourself. You’re allowed to have a few “What the fuck” moments in life. Its those kind of moments that stop you in your tracks, and force you to turn around.

And I guarantee that if you stop yourself in your tracks once awhile, you’ll see that damn moon sitting right behind you. We might’ve gotten older, but somehow, the moon still sticks around. It still knows that it is needed.

When I was a kid, I had a music box that my grandma gave me…it played the following song, which is fitting because

1) it discusses the moon

2) it includes cats and memories…and for a cat-lady like me, its well…kinda perfect.

Goodnight moon. You’ve been damn good to me.

Apparently I’m dating.

In Rants on April 12, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Apparently I’m dating.

And I didn’t even frickin’ realize it.

I’m in an unhealthy relationship with almost every property manager in the Los Angeles area. When I try to tell him my needs,

“Sorry, I can’t afford more than $850.”

or

“Will you love me even though I have two cats?”

….

I’m met with the same response every time. A laugh. A “hell no” kinda laugh.

I’ve even lowered my standards for the type of man I’m looking for. I started off by searching for a man with hardwood floors, an assigned parking space, a tolerance for cats, and within 5 miles of work.

Now, I’ve lowered my standards.

I feel like a cheap dirty whore.

When a guy tells me, “I only have street parking,”…its like I’m so desperate I’d take him home with me after only 1 beer. I’m willing to give up assigned parking for a relationship that will only last 6-12 months. It’s ridiculous.

I’m ready to give up hardwood floors for a stained mess of a carpet.

My life is in boxes. I literally have baggage. I’m shopping for a new man who can accommodate the baggage that is my life…and I’m not finding him. And that’s ok. Maybe I have to flirt with a couple application fees before I find my damn prince. And that’s ok. I need a guy who will tolerate my cats. A guy who maybe doesn’t have assigned parking, but damn it…he has a nice safe street I can park my jeep on. A guy who will make me feel safe, so that when I come home at 2 in the morning, I don’t have to fear for my life.

Dear Los Angeles Prince,

Where the fuck are you.

I would love to curl up with you and unpack my baggage.

Let’s have a lease together.

Intoxicated: The Remake

In Movie Reviews on April 11, 2011 at 6:28 am

I saw Arthur.

Cue disturbed looks, followed by a groan, concluding with, “Did you NOT see the original?”

When I respond with, “Of course I’ve seen the Dudley Moore version. It was AH-MAZING”…..I get an extremely confused reaction.

I admit it. I saw the remake of Arthur starring Russell Brand. And I loved it. So sue me.

I read every shitty review of the film before I went to see it, so I had to warn my poor mom of a couple things. (Arthur is mutually our favorite movie. Liza+Dudley=sheer frickin’ HEAVEN.)

I told my mom:

1) Don’t expect it to be an accurate remake.

2) Lets just have a good night out and get some laughs.

That was our expectation. To laugh. I’ve been in love with Russell Brand since Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I was going to enjoy this no matter how awful it was.

And it wasn’t awful. It was actually…

dare I say…

Awesome. At the end of the movie, my mom looked at me, and guiltily said, “I actually liked it better than the original.”

Cue YOU throwing your dinner at the computer screen/unsubscribing to my blog/yelling at me next time you see me in person.

Now, before I start this review that I’m nervous to write, let me make one thing clear.

I’m a huge fan of Dudley Moore’s performance in the original. He is spot on. Clever, lovable and down-right believable. Liza Minelli is like a piece of sunshine as she consistently brightens every scene she is in….and their chemistry is perfect. Its charming, warm and genuine. So with that said, here’s how I feel about the remake.

The remake didn’t feel like a remake. Brand in no way tried to imitate Moore, nor did Greta Gerwig attempt to imitate Liza. Naomi, (Arthur’s love interest played by Gerwig) is similar to Liza’s character (Linda). Naomi is a hard worker who takes care of her dad, but she’s NOT an aspiring actress who shoplifts to raise extra funds. She dreams of writing children’s books and she gives tours to families of NYC. While the newer version of the love interest has the same wonderful chemistry with Arthur, she pushes him a lot more in the remake to become a better person for his own benefit.

Russell Brand’s Arthur is still the lovable rich dude that we loved in the original…complete with his own set of mannerisms and oddities that still manage to win you over…but in a different way. He didn’t give you a carbon-copy of Dudley Moore. As a fan of the original, I know that I wouldn’t want to see that…and that’s not at all what he does. He adds a spontaneighty to his scenes…it was reminiscent of his screen-test for Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

3 other noticeably different changes from the original:

1) Hobson (Arthur’s Butler) went from being a dude played by John Gielgud…to a chick played by Helen Mirren. Embrace the change, people. Seriously. Gielgud might have worn an over-sized cowboy hat in the hospital scene…but Helen Mirren frickin’ wears a Darth Vader helmet. Epic.

2) Semi-Spoiler:

The character of Susan- Susan was a whiny pushover in the original…which is fine, but it practically forces her father to make an ass of himself by attacking Arthur with a knife in the end. The new Susan is a downright bitch. And it totally works. Because lets face it, we expect Nick Nolte to kick the shit out of Arthur in the remake…and he doesn’t have to. He just has to stand by and look threatening, and it works. Plus, he has a fantastically awkward moment lifting Brand onto a horse.

3) Bitterman (The driver) is in quite a few more scenes in the remake. And he is hilarious. The end.

Bottom-line. Go see the movie. Its funny. And instead of looking at it like, CRAP. They re-made something that was already good…

look at it this way. They remade a good story. They didn’t remake the movie. “Really rich guy risks losing his inheritance if he doesn’t marry a certain woman, when really he digs another chick.” They retold a good story in a modern way.

Plus, there are some ridiculously funny scenes.

Russell Brand goes to an auction and purchases the suit and hat that Lincoln wore to deliver the Gettysburg Address. So what does he do with it? Wears it of course. Wears it on the busy streets of NYC, then gets into trouble and the cops have to ask him for identification. Rather than pulling out a driver’s license, he pulls out…a penny. HYSTERICAL.

If you never saw the original, you’ll enjoy the movie. If you like Russell Brand, you’ll like the movie. The remake took the time to add its own flare. Its not an accurate remake of the original, and for that, I am grateful.

Here’s a little nugget that I was very grateful for…during the credits for the remake, they played, “Best that you can do”. AWESOME.

And if you haven’t seen it…go watch the original…its available on instant netflix.