Adventures in Real Estate and the ways in which I suck at it.

In Sexy Nerd. on March 29, 2011 at 6:25 am

I’ve been waiting for today for awhile.

The day when I could honestly say that I felt like I was financially set to move, and had the right jobs lined up. So I woke up, and drove my ass out to the Valley to go apartment hunting before my shift at Conan later in the evening.

I had to do the buddy system while apt. hunting. Shout out goes to Trish. I’ve been told that I pick out apartments like its a T-shirt at Target. I do it quickly and I don’t try it on…and I’ll go with the first one I see…

So with that said, I took a second opinion with me today.

After calling numerous complexes and realized that most of them lied about the actual cost of the rent/deposit on craigslist, we narrowed it down to two places to actually check out.

On our way to spot #1, I decided to blast the batman theme in my car…and pretend that Short Round was the batmobile…and I don’t know if anyone actually does this but I love it…I choreograph my speed of the car to the music…if it sounds like a part where my car would gun it…my car guns it.

So there we were. Listening to the Batman theme song, and we were getting ready to coast by apartment #1, when the “speed up to awesomeness” part of the music kicked in…so I sped up…and drove past the damn place and wasted my $4/gallon tank trying to turn around behind an old fart at an intersection.

So we finally made it.

To the first studio.

In a 15 unit complex. The studio was built in the 40’s, and when we went in, our jaws dropped to the floor. It was the quirkiest and most inventive place I’ve ever seen. First off, it was tiny. Even for a studio.

But after seeing the place, we realized we couldn’t find a closet anywhere….

until we looked at the wooden wall in the living room with wooden picture frames permanently attached to it…..

The “wall” actually opens up into a fucking closet.

No joke.

I almost peed with giddiness.

It was like the scene outta “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” where the bed folds out of the office wall, and as a kid, you think its the coolest thing you’ve ever seen in your life.

To make it even better, here’s what the bathroom looked like:

I mean, c’mon. The bathroom is a show piece. It is hysterical. I would invite people over just for a good chuckle. P.S, I considered actually using this restroom this morning (I had downed a coffee and water upon entering)…thank god I didn’t…the land lady literally walked in 10 seconds after I said I had to pee.

I went through the studio checking every light switch to see what works and what is a hot mess. ….and that’s when I came across the stove…

Check out the knobs on that thing. I wasn’t even concerned with whether or not it actually worked…I just thought, “no one has a stove like this. I have to have it.” Once again…hilarious.

Saved the best for last…the kitchen was complete with a breakfast bar….however…it came equipped with a wooden roof.





I couldn’t get over it. A bar with its own roof. Add some rainbow lights, loud/trendy music, obnoxious cologne, generic t-shirts, and a couple anorexic spray-tanned 15-year olds and ya got yourself a Hollister.

I seriously wanted the studio just for the bar. I mean, what else do you need?

Did I fill out an application?


The deal-breaker was the fact that you don’t get a parking spot…and the only street parking had heavy parking restrictions due to the neighboring school…not to mention the street is crazy busy and I don’t wanna jay walk every morning and wake up at the ass crack of dawn to move Short Round.

Drove past a couple other complexes in shady areas, and the rest of the day felt like an episode of America’s Next Top Model.…You know…the go-see episodes where the models are sent out into the city to meet with various agents…and they never plan their day well, and they spend most of the day in the car getting lost/frustrated…

ya. That was me.

So what did I do to fix this?

Got lost and drove by Mulholland Drive, and thought…

meh..what the heck..

Drove up blasting Superman and stopped to take the following cheesy/tourist/cliche image:

I guess the day was kind of successful. I now know that I can’t live without a breakfast bar with its own roof…and I wouldn’t have known that had I not gone hunting today.

I’m. Screwed.


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