onceuponarealityproductions

Get happy.

In Adventures with Jenko on February 28, 2011 at 4:58 am

I’ve been listening to this song on a daily basis for months on end…

Take a listen for a minute or so…and close your eyes when you do so…then think about what you see…

Here’s what I used to see when I listened to that song.

Blackout on stage. Single spotlight shines down on a chair, with me sitting in it.

My head is buried in my hands.

The music comes up.

There is mascara dripping down my face.

I am alone.

All anger. All hurt. All resides in one place.

It has left my heart and gone to my feet.

I jump up from the chair and tap my way through the number.

All anger in my feet.

Every time the song blares “Get Happy” my feet get more angry.

The intensity, the suffocating, the haze…

It’s all left right there on that stage, as the lyrics literally drain me.

 

Get happy.

After months of feeling myself get lost in a suffocating cloud of depression, I told myself two words.

Get happy.

About 2 weeks ago I sat down with my mom and had one of the toughest conversations I’ve ever had. I told her I was unhappy. I told her that I felt like every day is a battle against myself. And I lose every time. I told her I felt like I was stuck in my head. Scared. Suffocated. Insecure. Unhappy. Drowning in a dark depression where I don’t have a desire to get out of bed in the morning.

And the last thing I told her, was that I wanted to get happy.

That night, I handed her a pair of scissors and told her to hack off a couple inches of my hair. I was desperate to somehow feel different. I changed my diet the next day. I decided to only keep positive people in my life. I decided that I would love myself enough to make better decisions.

I woke up the next morning feeling alive.

Radiant.

Different.

I felt like I could fight myself for the first time.

Two weeks into my new diet, and I feel noticeably different. I talk to people everywhere I go. I feel like I’ve downed a gallon of coffee everyday…without having to touch a glass.

Yesterday felt like a breakthrough day for me…

I was running on under 3 hours sleep, and I woke up ready to take on the day. I arrived at the theatre for a morning rehearsal for “The Man Who Came to Dinner”, and I had a different appreciation for what I was doing. I had a different appreciation for theatre. I felt alive. I felt like I was at home. Following a successful run of the show, I raced home to grab food and make copies of my script. I raced back to the theatre, and had the first table-read for my 3-woman show, “Princes Don’t Live in Cyberland.” Reading the show aloud with the cast for the first time was a completely surreal experience. I wrote the show in under 2 hours, but the stories had been stuck in my head for years. During the read, one of the more difficult segments of the show came up. I say “difficult” because emotionally, it was a hard segment to write. It’s the segment of the show where I relive getting over the death of my grandma. During the read, I burst into tears. Tears started welling up from the others during the read. I walked away from the read giddy. To hear your work read aloud is one of the single most thrilling experiences. It is also one of the most vulnerable experiences. Will people like it? Will it affect people? Will it inspire? I walked away from the read knowing that I had written something that hit home. I walked away knowing that it was a piece that people will connect to. It felt incredible.

I ended the day by driving out to LA to celebrate my birthday…a couple days early…but I figure that my actual birthday falls on a tech rehearsal, and I want my focus to be there..and spend another evening letting my hair down. The co-birthday was fantastic. I was surrounded by people I care about. Happy, energetic and lovable people that you just want to spend time with. It was perfect.

It sounds cheesy, but a part of me feels like I’m finding myself. Another part of me feels like I’m meeting myself for the first time. Meeting a person that I want to be. A person who isn’t holding herself back. A person who has insecurities, but who isn’t afraid to cry in front of people. I feel like for the first time, I want to date guys who are emotionally available. Guys who aren’t as guarded as I was. Guys who are genuine. I feel like I deserve better than what I’ve been looking for.

Yesterday, I listened to “Get Happy” on my way home from rehearsal.

I belted it in the car as usual.

But I didn’t just sing it this time.

I sang it.

I mean really sang it.

I really felt it.

I got happy.

And damn.

It feels incredible.

 

 


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